Tag Archives: humor

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 30

Dagny: Guys, we’ve got atlas4to save John Galt! I know we’re never supposed to do something for nothing, and, let’s be honest, John is there because of his own stupidity! He could have stayed in capitalist utopia. He could have left after the speech. He could have run when I arrived at his apartment. But, no! He stayed, and allowed himself to get captured, and despite this being against our CAPITALIST values (in which we never give any help to anyone without charging them) let’s ignore that and save him!

Hank Rearden: Yes!

Francisco d’Anaconia: Yes!

Ragnar Danneskjold: Argh! Yes! If I get to jump through a window!

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 30

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 29

altas3Commie Dr. Statler: I need to control the sonic or cosmic ray cannon (no one knows which, it’s like the writer didn’t know the difference between sound and cosmic rays)! This despite the fact that I was horrified to learn of it’s existence, I’ve suddenly decided that I want to be a warlord! I’ve driven for days to get to it! Even though the country is supposedly in ruins with gangs and violence everywhere, I can drive totally unmolested for two thousand miles!

Commie Cuffy Meigs: I got here, first!

Commie Dr. Statler: You fool, don’t touch that lever! You’ll destroy us and everything within a hundred miles! You’ll destroy a BRIDGE!

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 29

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 28

atlas2Evil Commie Government Officials: For some reason, we stood around listening to that four-and-a-half hour long speech from John Galt without moving or saying anything!

Dagny Taggart: Give up, he’s won!

Evil President: No! Look for John Galt, instead, so we can give him a job!  That’s what true evil would do!

Eddie Villers: Ms. Taggart, I know who John Galt is. I’ve been telling him every little personal detail about your life, and all of our confidential business secrets, to him for years.

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 28

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 27

atlasDagny Taggart: Gosh, I just noticed that John Galt literally works for me! For years, people have been saying “Who is John Galt?”, even in this very building, without even noticing that John Galt literally works here! How dumb have I been?  I mean, should I feel really embarrassed that John Galt literally works in the same building as me, and I’ve been looking for him for two years?  Nah.  I’m a CAPITALIST!

Jim Taggart: You have to listen to the Evil Commie Government Officials give a speech.

Dagny: Ugh, I guess so.

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 27

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 26

atlas5Hank Rearden: My mill is dead because of commies, and my money is seized by the gub’mint! They tried to trick me into helping people not starve to death, but I’m too smart for that!

Hank’s Mom: You haven’t visited us in months! Come over.

Hank: Sure.

Lillian: Ha! I’m here!

Hank: Curses! I divorced you because I’m INNOCENT!

Lillian: Dude, you slept with another woman for two years and then bribed judges to get the divorce so I couldn’t get anything. That’s the total opposite of innocent.

Hank: That’s CAPITALIST JUSTICE!

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 26

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary, Chapter 25

atlasJim Taggart: Dagny, fix everything!

Dagny Taggart: No way, but I will laugh! I told you this would happen! Bwahahaha!

Jim: Well, listen to this radio show! It’ll learn you!

Plot Radio: Instead of d’Anaconia Copper being nationalized, it was blowed up by Francisco d’Anaconia.

Jim: Drat!  I’m broke and there’s no more copper in America!

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary, Chapter 25

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary, Chapter 24

atlas5Jim Taggart: I hate that my wife is learning to like being rich!

Cherryl Taggart: I hate it that my husband isn’t Dagny Taggart! Maybe Eddie Willers will tell me the whole story of why Jim sucks!

Eddie Willers: Yep! There is no corporate secret or personal information that I won’t divulge to anyone, so long as they’re a CAPITALIST! Granted, I don’t know everything, like how my loose lips are helping John Galt sabotage Taggart Transcontinental, and I won’t put any blame on the current crises on Francisco d’Anaconia’s massive sabotage of the global economy, or Ragnar’s incredibly destructive piracy… so, not really the “whole story”, just the incompetent lickspittle’s story, as it were.  But spill the beans about sensitive personal and business information?  I’m your guy!

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary, Chapter 24

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary, Chapter 23

atlas4Dagny Taggart: I’m back!

Jim Taggart: Good and drat! I hate you, but I kinna need you.  Anyway, you’ve got to give an interview with this Commie Broadcaster.

Dagny: No way, Jose!

Lillian Rearden: Yes way!  If you don’t give the interview, I’ll reveal that you had an affair with Hank!

Dagny: OK, bwahahaha!

Commie Broadcaster: Tell us how awesome communism is!

Dagny: Nope.  I boinked Hank Rearden and I liked it!

Commie Broadcaster: Cut, cut!

Hank Rearden: Dagny, I love you!

Dagny: Yeah, well, about that, yeah, I knew that because I expect all CAPTIALIST men to be rapey, slut-shaming assholes. But I don’t love you, anymore. I love a superior CAPITALIST. Y’know, John Galt.

Hank: D’oh! Despite me having been consistently portrayed as a jealous, violent, and abusive man, I’m good with you loving the superior CAPITALIST John Galt. (Plus, well, let’s be honest, my main squeeze is Franscisco d’Anaconia, no homo.)

Kit Bradley: Seriously, that’s it?  This chapter is, like, fifty pages long!  Curse you, Ayn Rand!

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary, Chapters 21 and 22

altas3Kit Bradley: I’m condensing chapters 21 and 22 into one bit because they’re nearly identical! This is some great, and by great I mean “awful”, writing!

John Galt: Hi, I’m John Galt!

Dagny Taggart: Ohemgee, I can’t catch my breath, and my thighs are steaming so I can’t see right, but I can tell because you’re the tallest and thinnest of all that means you’re the bestest CAPITALIST in the universe!  Ohemgee!  OHEMGEE!

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary, Chapters 21 and 22

Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE Summary, Chapter 20

atlas2Dagny Taggart: I’ve got to get to Utah, FAST, to talk to the man who is figuring out the Miracle Motor (a plot point ignored for 300 pages!), so I’m taking a train! Trains DEFINE fast!

Coachman: Get off the train, you bum!

Objectivist Bum: But I’m a CAPITALIST!

Dagny: He’s tall and thin, proof of his CAPITALISM!  Let him stay! Tell me a story!

Objectivist Bum: Communism sucks! I started the whole “who is John Galt” thing, too. It is important to show no credulity that out of hundreds of millions of Americans, you just happen to find one of the few people who really knows John Galt’s origin story! Remember, I’m a CAPITALIST, not a moocher saying what you want to hear to take advantage of you.

Continue reading Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE Summary, Chapter 20