Eddie Villers: I exist to tell some random guy working that is totally not John Galt (he’s John Galt) where everything is. Despite being a lickspittle who is totally incompetent, I’m one of the heroes. Here, total stranger who isn’t John Galt (he’s John Galt), let me tell you where Dagny Taggart is!

Not John Galt: Thanks.

Hank Rearden: Since my moral weakness with Rearden Metal where I signed it over to the government, I walk through dangerous woods alone!

Ragnar Danneskjöld: Argh! Here’s a bar of solid gold, argh! I’m also thin and good-looking, so you know what that means, argh!

Hank: Huh? You’re a pirate! Even though you’re thin and good-looking, which generally means a person is a CAPITALIST, you’re clearly a criminal!

Ragnar: Argh! You see, that’s not true, argh! I rob people and governments who acquire material goods in ways I don’t approve, then sell them on the black market for profit, but take some of the money and stash it away to recoup businessmen for taxation, which is theft, argh! Because when someone steals something, it’s not theft if you steal it from them, argh, and you’re under not obligations to return the property to the original owhers, but are free to make profit from it, argh!  But, in my case, since I hate taxes, I put aside some of my loot to recoup very rich men for having been taxed, which is why I gave you a gold bar, argh!  I will also ignore that stealing for the purposes of the redistribution of wealth being the ultimate evil is literally what the whole book is about, but when a thin, good-looking CAPITALIST does it, it’s not charity OR theft!  Argh.

Kit Bradley weeps.

Hank: You’re a crook and I won’t take your gold.

Cops: Hey, we’re looking for a pirate! Who is this, Hank?

Hank: Um, despite me saying he’s a crook, because he is a crook, I will lie and say he’s my bodyguard.

Cops: And despite him being one of the most famous people in the world, and fitting every description of the pirate, we’re going to believe you without even questioning this very Ragnar Danneskjöld-seque man!

Ragnar: Argh! Gotta go! Do what you want with the gold, argh!

Hank: Well, I’ll take it the gold. Because I sense, deep in my soul, that he’s a fellow CAPITALIST. He’s so thin and good-looking! He reminds me of Francisco, no homo.

Corrupt Politician: Trains suck! Why is this train stopped!

Train Engineer: The rail split and the engine is destroyed.

Corrupt Politician: GET THIS TRAIN RUNNING BECAUSE I’M A BIG SHOT!

Train Engineer: I can’t!

Corrupt Politician: I’ll call the owner of the railway!

Jim Taggert: Oh, shit! We’d better get that train working!

Incompetent Railway Employees: The only engine we have is a coal burning engine, and up ahead is a tunnel that doesn’t have ventilation for for a coal burning engine, but we’ll go ahead and send it, anyway.

Ayn Rand: Don’t worry about the people aboard! They’re all commies and deserve to die!

Kit: I’m persistently impressed by this book’s ability to find new ways to be hypocritical and vile! Let me return to weeping.