Atlas Shrugged EXECUTIVE CAPITALIST Summary: Chapter 26

atlas5Hank Rearden: My mill is dead because of commies, and my money is seized by the gub’mint! They tried to trick me into helping people not starve to death, but I’m too smart for that!

Hank’s Mom: You haven’t visited us in months! Come over.

Hank: Sure.

Lillian: Ha! I’m here!

Hank: Curses! I divorced you because I’m INNOCENT!

Lillian: Dude, you slept with another woman for two years and then bribed judges to get the divorce so I couldn’t get anything. That’s the total opposite of innocent.

Hank: That’s CAPITALIST JUSTICE!

Hank’s Mom: We’re starving.

Hank: Uh, I have no money. And even if I did have money, you suck, and I hope you die. I’m never going to see you, again.  Have fun starving to death in the apocalyptic wasteland that my bestest friend in the whole world, Francisco d’Anaconia, made!  No homo.

Evil Commie Government Official: Come with us, Hank.

Hank: Even though you aren’t compelling me, I will pretend that you are, and go.

Evil Commie Government Chorus: Work for us! Work for ussssss!

Hank: Nope. I’m going to my mill. Hey, it’s under attack!

Wet Nurse: …

Kit: Rand calls him that, not me. She also calls him “Non-Absolute”, which is the dumbest insult nickname ever, so I’m using “Wet Nurse”.

Wet Nurse: Cough! I’ve been shot in the chest, but I have dragged my way to you, Mr. Rearden, to tell you that I’ve embraced capitalism! I’m now going to have a six page dying scene, where when you think I’m dead, I’ll pop back to life to tell you how awesome you are, and how great capitalism is before I die!

Hank: It’s good that you died a capitalist. Now that you’re dead, I want to kill your philosophy teachers who made you stop thinking, by which I mean, taught you not to accept every word out of my mouth as absolute wisdom, and unalterable truth. Everyone who doesn’t think exactly like me deserves to die! On the other hand, this is slightly convenient because you weren’t a CAPITALIST like me, so you would have never gotten into capitalist paradise.  I will do this while idly walking around my mill during a riot, rather than leaving, or even fighting.  I’ll just . . . amble during this riot.

Thugs: Get ‘im!

Francisco d’Anaconia: Here I come to save the day! Bang, bang!

Hank: Francisco! You’re so dreamy, a real two-gun cowboy!  No homo.

Francisco: It’s good that you condemned your family to die of slow starvation in the wasteland I have created. You ready to leave for capitalist utopia, so we can spend all our time together? No homo.

Hank: Yep! What a perfect world it will be, you and I together, forever, no homo!

EXIT HANK

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